Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My ATM looks so different sober.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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