life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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