well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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