i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
