she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Bring me that man meat
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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