i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
