I CAN MOONWALK!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
