Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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