saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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