on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
