Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
