Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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