so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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