yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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