just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
