I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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