i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
