Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
