Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
