plz talk dirty to me
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
