im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
