My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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