i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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