take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
