Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
