sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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