Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
