your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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