I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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