How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
