You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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