I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
