I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So much rum. So many feels.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
