how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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