my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
