My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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