Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
