remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
