He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
