I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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