I'm sorry my penis didn't work
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My liver just had a heart attack.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
