I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
