I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
