I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I had to cum in my sink.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
