dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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