____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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