Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
