Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
