is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
