i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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