so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize