Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
