I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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