are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
